3 Arguments that can break your Relationship

While it’s easy to brush off the fights you have as something that happens to all couples, some are so nasty that they make people rethink and redefine their roles in the relationship. Thankfully, there are ways to identify a destructive pattern and break free. Researchers at the US-based Gottman Relationship Institute have identified some potentially relationship-threatening ways of arguing. According to them, couples who row in this manner are definitely endangering their ‘together forever’ relationship status.

1. Are you a defence expert?
Defensiveness is also a relationship problem, be it about your personal attributes or regarding your family. “I am a feminist, so there have been times when I have jumped into an argument with boyfriends if I feel like they’re attacking women with statements like ‘You girls just can’t drive or park’,” says writer Sonali Mahajan, 37. Sonali didn’t mind the break-ups that ensued because she felt that if her partner couldn’t accept that she’s passionate about gender equality, then he wasn’t right for her.

Resolve it: “If you genuinely feel your value systems don’t match, then it’s better to part,” says Dr Uttam Dave. “But it’s important to check and see if there has been a pattern of dysfunctional relationships and break-ups over trivial matters. People get defensive when their egos are fragile or they love themselves too much or too little, that criticism affects them adversely.” Dr Dave advises such women to work on their self-esteem.

2. Been a relationship critic lately?
“I tend to criticise people,” says artist Rashi Jain, 26. “I am not too mean, but just a little. Space is important to me in a relationship, and I don’t like to be a part of every little thing my partner does. So whenever we have an argument, I get critical of his lack of supportiveness and understanding when it comes to my interests. But I don’t feel guilty when I criticise; he should know what his faults are.”

Resolve it: Psychotherapist Neeta Shetty says being critical is all right as long as you’re not going over board and unreasonably so. You must learn to question the motive behind your criticism. “If you want to bring something to your partner’s notice, there are constructive ways to do it,” says Neeta. “You could make positive statements that you believe to be true and then talk about the negative aspects. Don’t use phrases like ‘You will never change’ and ‘I don’t expect any better from you’. Your approach should be positive.”

3. Who’s a poor little victim?
If you’re constantly projecting yourself as a victim in the relationship, and your partner as an aggressor, then you need to dig deep to understand why. “I can say for sure that at least one of my relationships has ended because I made the other person feel like a lousy bully,” says graphic designer Hema Panchal, 30. “It’s because I was a drama queen during college. I would break down and tell not just him but also my close friends that he was cruel and mean. That this was a problem was not so obvious to me at the time, but I realised it in hindsight.”

Resolve it: “If you feel like a victim when there’s no abuse or other obvious signs of manipulation, you’re probably also making the other person feel very guilty,” says Hema. Dr Dave has an interesting tip. “The easiest thing would be to record an argument and listen to it. This helps you realise who’s the victim and who’s the real aggressor. Once the ‘victim’ realises what she’s doing wrong, it’s a relatively easy issue to solve.”

Hanging Monastery

'Destination Discovery'

Hanging Temple or Hanging Monastery in China is a temple built into a cliff. It is one of the main tourist attractions and historical sites in the Datong area. Built more than 1,500 years ago, this temple is notable not only for its location on a sheer precipice but also because it includes Buddhist, Taoist, and Confucian elements. On your next trip to China don't miss to explore this rare piece of architecture.